We’ve pretty much been sold a lie about desire. The myth of the "desire imperative" that we should always feel spontaneous, electric attraction toward our partners, has been deeply ingrained in our brains. We’re told to "keep the spark alive," as if desire is a fire that must burn constantly or be doomed to extinction. But, as sex educator Emily Nagoski explains, desire is not about maintaining a constant spark—it’s about learning to stoke the embers.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

Most of us think about sexual desire as spontaneous: the kind that strikes like lightning. You’re walking down the street, you see someone attractive, and—boom—you’re turned on. This type of desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure, and yes, it’s a valid experience. But it’s not the only one.

The other, often overlooked, form of desire is responsive desire. Instead of appearing out of nowhere, responsive desire emerges in reaction to pleasure. It builds from context, emotional connection, and sensory cues. Many people (especially in long-term relationships) experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous, but because they were taught that desire should be spontaneous, they believe something is wrong with them when it isn’t.

Simply recognising this distinction can be revolutionary. It means you don’t have a "desire problem"—you just have responsive desire, which is totally normal.

The Dual Control Model: Brakes and Accelerators

To understand how desire works, Nagoski introduces the Dual Control Model, which explains that sexual response is a balance between an accelerator (what turns you on) and brakes (what turns you off).

Your accelerator notices all the sex-related stimuli around you—your partner’s scent, a suggestive text, a romantic memory—and signals "go." At the same time, your brakes take in everything that could be a reason not to be turned on—stress, body insecurities, relationship tension, exhaustion.

For many people, sexual difficulties don’t stem from a lack of stimulation to the accelerator but rather an overload on the brakes. Life stress, unresolved conflicts, self-doubt—these can all be powerful inhibitors. The key isn’t just to "add more turn-ons" but to actively remove or ease the things that inhibit arousal.

Context is Everything

Desire doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s shaped by both external circumstances (is the door locked? Do you feel safe? Are you wearing something that makes you feel sexy?) and internal state (are you stressed, anxious, emotionally distant?). A sensation that feels amazing in one context might be irritating in another—just think of being tickled when you're in a playful mood versus in the middle of an argument.

Long-term couples who maintain strong sexual connections don’t necessarily have spontaneous, fiery passion all the time. Instead, they understand how to co-create a context that allows both their brains to access pleasure.

The Freedom of Understanding Your Desire

Learning about responsive desire and the Dual Control Model can be liberating. It reframes "low desire" not as a personal failing but as an issue of context. You’re not broken—you just need to create the right conditions for your unique desire to thrive.

For many, the hardest part of navigating desire is talking about it. It can feel easier to have sex than to talk about sex. But open communication is essential. A useful way to start a conversation about desire is by framing it positively:

“I love being with you, and I want to deepen our erotic connection. I want to explore what brings us both pleasure in a way that feels good for both of us.”

Pleasure is the Measure

At the heart of it all, the real question isn’t "How often are we having sex?" or "How do I make myself feel more desire?" It’s "Do I like the sex I’m having?"

If the answer is yes—if everyone involved is present, free to leave, and genuinely enjoying the experience—then you’re already doing it right. And if the answer is no, then it’s not about forcing desire, but about shifting the context to create space for it.

Desire isn’t about chasing a fleeting spark. It’s about tending to the slow, smouldering fire—learning how to nurture it, when to stoke it, and allowing it to burn in a way that truly satisfies.