If we’re being honest with ourselves, sex drives are rarely a perfect match - and perfection should never be the goal really.  In fact, they fluctuate with time, mood, stress, hormones, and about a million other factors. But when one partner consistently wants sex more (or less) than the other, it can create tension, insecurity, or even resentment in a relationship. If you've ever found yourself feeling frustrated, rejected, or guilty about not being on the same page sexually, you’re absolutely not alone. Let’s talk about why this happens and, more importantly, what you can do about it.

So what causes our libidos to be mismatched?

1. Hormones & Biology – Testosterone and estrogen levels impact libido, and they fluctuate throughout life. Certain medications (like antidepressants or birth control) and health conditions (like PCOS or menopause) can also lower sex drive.
2. Stress & Mental Load – If one partner is carrying the weight of work deadlines, family responsibilities, or general life chaos, sex might feel like just another task on the to-do list rather than a pleasure to indulge in.
3. Emotional Connection – Some people need to feel emotionally close before they’re in the mood for sex, while others use sex as a way to create closeness. If emotional needs aren’t met, desire can take a hit.
4. Relationship Dynamics & Resentment – Unspoken frustrations (about household chores, emotional labor, or past disagreements) can make sex feel less appealing. If one person feels neglected or unappreciated, that can also impact desire.
5. Routine & Predictability – Long-term relationships can sometimes fall into sexual autopilot, where things feel predictable or even stale. A lack of novelty can create a dip in desire.

How do we navigate mismatched libidos?

Shift the Narrative. 

Mismatched libidos aren’t a sign of incompatibility or a failing relationship; they’re normal. Instead of seeing it as a problem to fix, see it as a dynamic to manage together.

Communicate. But Not in the Heat of the Moment.

A frustrated “Why don’t we have sex anymore?” mid-rejection isn’t the conversation starter you want. Instead, find a neutral time to talk about what sex means to both of you and how you can meet in the middle.

Explore Intimacy In New Ways.

Desire often builds from feeling connected. Massage, cuddling, kissing, and other forms of non-sexual touch can help bridge the gap without pressure.

Schedule Sex. Yes, Really.

Spontaneity is great, but in long-term relationships, it’s often overrated. Planning sex might sound unsexy, but it gives both partners something to anticipate and removes the pressure of “waiting until we’re both in the mood.”

Focus on Individual Desire, Too.

Sometimes, desire gaps aren’t just about the relationship but about individual libido fluctuations. If your sex drive is lower than you’d like, consider ways to reconnect with your own pleasure—solo exploration, erotica, or even a change in routine.

Remove the Pressure to Say Yes (or No)

For the higher-libido partner, rejection can sting, but pressuring a partner into sex can breed resentment. For the lower-libido partner, saying no out of obligation rather than genuine desire can create emotional distance. Finding a balance where both people feel respected is key.

Consider Professional Support.

If mismatched libidos are creating serious strain, seeing a sex therapist or counsellor can help. An outside perspective can reframe the issue and provide strategies that work for both of you.

At the end of the day, mismatched libidos don’t mean your relationship is doomed, it just means you’re human. Instead of seeing it as a battle, see it as an opportunity to explore new ways to connect. Desire ebbs and flows, but with open communication and a little creativity, you can find your rhythm together.

We hope this was helpful! What else would you like to talk about with Team Please? We’d love to hear from you! Feel free to leave us a DM on instagram or email us at hello@pleasesex.com