· By Team PLEASE
It isn’t a no for ever, it’s just a no right now.
Sex drive is constantly changing and sometimes yours and your partners may not coincide. We know it’s easier said than done, but try not to worry too deeply about it. It’s not you, it’s basic human biology.
We know when your partner turns you down in the bedroom (or wherever you may be) it may feel as if they have lost sexual desire for you, but almost all of the time, that is seriously not the case at all. Again, easier said than done, but try your absolute best not to take this too personally, or it can lead to conflict in a relationship.
Here are some of our thoughts on what can be done if your pleasure partner is not in the mood.
Communicate with each other to know the reasons as to why your sex drive may not be syncing. There are a million reasons as to what’s going on. It could be the time of the day, stress, not feeling hot or even just the weather (to which we would advise to keep those socks on). Being objective and communicating about this will ultimately bring you closer together.
Respecting your partner’s boundaries is extremely important. So pressuring your partner into doing anything they are not comfortable with in that moment is a huge no.
Longer relationships may find that responsive desire (coined by sex therapist Dr. Rosemary Basson) is more common, as opposed to spontaneous desire.
This means that it may take your significant other a bit longer to get in the mood, this may involve a lot more wooing before they may want to have sex.
Whereas that spontaneous desire is what often encompasses the fresh, beginning stages of relationships. You know that absolute necessity for make-out sesh’s anywhere and everywhere all the time.
And if you’re not feeling that spontaneous desire at first or at any point, all that means is that you need to tap into your responsive desire and neither is better or worse than the other.
Of course, each relationship is unique and there is a chance that lack of sexual desire may be indicative of relationship issues. If you think this is the case, then address these core issues, have open communication with your partner and maybe consider seeing a relationship therapist if needed.
Being in a long term relationship can understandably lead to monotony which is bound to happen naturally at some point or another but it’s important to try and defeat any luring boredom, especially in the bedroom. The key here is novelty. Trying something new can totally bring a little spice and increase desire.
More foreplay is always a good idea. Because while it might be a no right now, it might be a yes after some warming up. Sometimes while one person is ready to go, the other isn’t quite there yet.
This is where open communication needs to be the top priority from both sides, human’s can’t read minds. Having a discussion with your partner on their needs and desires that will get them there is key for both of you. For some it may be foreplay, kissing, a massage or maybe even an intimate conversation.
When having conversations on these matters we suggest having them outside of the bedroom if possible and always coming from a positive place. So instead of saying “We never do…” rather focus on the good like “I love it when…”.
And when it comes to foreplay, remember that it begins outside of the bedroom. Pouring your partner a glass of wine or a cup of tea. Perhaps it’s cooking them dinner or even making sure the house is spotless. It's all about knowing your partner’s wants and needs.
At the end of the day, it is your relationship, you and your partners and no one else. So while it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of worry, it’s actually your safest and most sacred space where you feel completely free to discuss your feelings and get on the same page on what your needs are and help each other meet these. You’re on the same team!