A beginners guide to BDSM and exploring your kinks

Kink / BDSM has a conflicting reputation. Many of us think it’s exclusively reserved for the underground and the daring. Some of us couple kink with those corny fluffy handcuffs (you know the ones) and while Kink and BDSM can definitely be considered a subculture of its own, what we do know is that over the past few decades it’s started floating up into the mainstream, and so understanding what’s it’s all about can only be helpful and even a little fun.

So let’s get straight into it shall we? Here’s your basic BDSM definition : it’s an umbrella concept for sensation exploration and power exchanges, under which there are many additional terms that communicate desires, activities and relationships to other players.

But what does BDSM actually stand for? The acronym itself is slightly complex, meaning alternatively but also simultaneously “Bondage and Discipline”, “Dominance and Submission” and “Sadism and Masochism”

Okay and what does this all entail? Bondage can be understood as a practice where one person is playing with the idea of restraint. Discipline and or dominance, or someone who is the dom, is the person in control, with consent of course and then on the other hand there’s the Sub or person who is Submissives on the receiving end of the dom. Whereas, Sadism refers to the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. Lastly, we come to Masochism, which is when someone has the tendency to derive sexual gratification from one's own pain or humiliation.

When we think of BDSM, pain, whips and chains come to mind right? (Flashing back to Rihanna’s S&M music video for some reason). However it can be way more subtle than that. You can get into it with a simple and light spanking or running fingernails down a partner's back. BDSM can be once off, or used more frequently, depending on the level of pleasure both parties are getting out of it.

When it comes to the dynamics, in most cases there is a “Dom(inant)” person controlling the activities in the room, while the other person is a “Sub(missive)” and takes on the sensations, pain and play of the Dom. But it’s also common to switch between Dom & Sub during play and this is totally dependent on the pair involved.

What’s important to know is that BDSM relies heavily on consent, communication and negotiation, as the Dom always wants to ensure that the Sub is getting just as much pleasure out of it as possible.

Not only can BDSM be physical, it can also be a mental game, but it can also be broken down into power play vs. physical play

Power play is where a Dom will use commands that the Sub should obey and Physical Play

Physical Play involves restraint & bondage. We’re talking cuffs, collars, leads, gags etc. Physical play can also include pain or sensations play, which leans into flogging, spanking, spiky wheels and ice play etc.

There are a variety of intensities which BDSM can be experienced, from light play such as spanking, light bondage and light sensations to heavier and extreme play which involve extreme restrictive bondage, flogging and more.

So what is the difference between a kink and a fetish?
Fetishes focus on a specific object or body part (e.g. leather wear or specific breasts), while Kink is about sexual interactions with other people (e.g. being constrained by cuffs or having someone whisper in your ear).

Figuring out your kinks and or fetishes will help your BDSM experience significantly, so we recommend you to take some time and figure that out first. This will help you understand beforehand what you may or may not like. Give yourself some time, read some books, watch some videos and figure out what may just turn you on that you never expected. This initial outlay may change over time as you evolve in this sexual exploration.

Here at Please, we are all about communication with your partner in pleasure and so it’s the same with BDSM play. Both parties need to have an open dialogue to figure out preferences, expectations and limits. If you are deciding to play harder or take part in extreme play, we would advise that you agree on a safe word beforehand, this can be verbal or non verbal to indicate the play needs to be lighter, changed or stopped.

A few parting tips we suggest to ensure everything is safe during the process. When using whips and paddles, try concentrating on the fleshier and more muscled parts of the body. During bondage play, make sure that no part of your partner's body is “falling asleep” and losing circulation, if so, loosen the tightness. We recommend having a debrief session after where you can communicate how it was for you, what you really enjoyed and what you would not like to repeat.

We hope that this helped you understand the basics of this fun and playful side of sexual exploration and we cannot say it enough, BDSM and kink go hand in hand with consent and communication.

Enjoy.