Being present especially during moments of intimacy, and all moments in life really, but sex specifically, is so crucial to connection and enhancing your experience. As someone who struggles with this, I’ve done some research and here’s what I found.

So just for a bit of context, when it comes to writing these blog posts, it’s usually myself and Greg. Sometimes we’ll get some amazing submissions like Maya Brash for instance. But for now, it’s usually just us, doing some deep research, and writing articles that we ourselves would be keen to read.

This one in particular is a topic that hits close to home, which is exactly why I wanted to dive right in, do the research and some homework - quite literally.

I like to think that I’m not completely alone when I say I’m in my head, a lot. Generally speaking. There are a million thoughts zooming in and out pretty much all the time. Some thoughts are practical, some are emotional, some are exciting, maybe distracting, sometimes self deprecating. I could go on. Sex is an experience that calls for all of your attention, concentration and presence, to really create an experience of deep connection and intimacy, and so with a brain that is constantly buzzing with busyness, it’s no wonder you may not get there.

So what does getting out of your head actually mean?

Sex is very much a physical but also emotional act, so getting out of our head is all about transitioning into our body and feelings, which many of us have a difficult time doing. And it’s an incredibly important step; getting out of our head and rather into our partners, while they can get into ours.

Through reading a ton of articles from incredible sources like Goop and Headspace to name just a couple, there are a few tips that lined up and so seem credible and essential to this task.

GETTING INTO YOUR BODY

Let’s connect to our bodies shall we? One of the easiest ways to do this is to simply close your eyes and breathe. Take your time too. Notice your breath and notice your body and how it is feeling.

But, for some of us, breath-work is simply not enough to distract us from our intrusive thoughts. Let's engage in another sense shall we? Sensory experiences like listening to music or lighting scented candles can act as a little something extra to get you out of your head and into your feelings.

It’s important to understand that getting out of our head is not about dissociating in any way. It’s about activating our brains to be in the here and now, and excited for some pleasure, which for so many of us is key when it comes to getting in the mood and being aroused mentally.

GETTING INTO EACH OTHER’S HEADS

So of course we all know that, unfortunately, we can’t read minds. So what’s the best way into someone’s mind? You guessed it. Talking. Share your thoughts, feelings, and more importantly, your turn ons. It’s never too late or too early to open up about what you like and how you like it. It can often serve as an extra spark or for new flames, the sooner you bring these kinds of conversations up the better your sex will be.

But sometimes, sharing and talking isn’t as easy as it seems, right? A good way around this is to ask questions. Let’s take a hypothetical situation where you’ve always been keen to do this one thing with your partner but you’re not sure how to ask for it. Simply ask them what their thoughts on this are. It doesn’t have to be so deep. Or it can! It’s so personal. But just getting the conversation going, and getting a better understanding of each other is what’s important. We’ve heard it a million times and I’m not scared to say it again, communication is KEY! And it’s important to remember that to keep communicating, it’s in our nature to change our minds and evolve, so what we like today, we may not enjoy tomorrow. Keep talking!

MIND BODY CONNECTION

So we’ve spoken about getting into your body, we’ve touched on our minds, but everything is so deeply connected, from our minds, bodies, emotions and spirit.

If we’re feeling down, we’re not going to feel turned on. If we’re feeling uncomfortable or insecure in our bodies, we’re not going to feel turned on. It’s important to look at getting out of your head in a holistic way. And being mindful is a top go-to.

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment, aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without judgement.

Research by Lori Brotto and others shows that mindfulness-based therapy can significantly enhance various aspects of sexual function, especially in women. Practising mindfulness has such incredible potential to reduce distractions, improve self-awareness, decrease stress and anxiety, and enhance overall sexual satisfaction. This research shows that Incorporating mindfulness into your day to day life has been successful in addressing sexual dysfunctions and low desire by promoting presence and reducing preoccupation, thereby improving pleasure and intimate connections.

I think the key take away to keep in mind when it comes to being mindful is to remove all judgement. A lot of what it’s going on in our heads, comes from that voice that’s judging us.

So if we can just take a moment, in the moment, to acknowledge what’s going on in our heads, and allow ourselves to just take a short break from any and all judgement, from all the thoughts, so that we can get in the mood, connect with our partners and really just experience pure intimacy, well that’s the goal!

I hope this has helped! I’m heading off to practise everything we’ve just spoken about, I’ll keep you updated.

Much love,

Mira